


A Groom to a Kill

by misura



Category: Battle Creek (TV)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Denial of Feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25463554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: "So hey, after we've solved this case, you want to go somewhere for our fake honeymoon?" Milt asked. "Just the two of us.""I'd rather get shot," Russ said.
Relationships: Russ Agnew/Milt Chamberlain
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44
Collections: Just Married Exchange 2020





	A Groom to a Kill

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hyx_Sydin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyx_Sydin/gifts).



Russ was having a very bad day.

"Look at it this way," Milt said. "There was a wedding, and nobody got shot. Most people would consider that a good thing."

"Really," Russ said, because really? "Because from where I was standing, it looked more like we were all set to catch a killer and guess what - it didn't work. And now we're married."

Milt made an airy gesture. "Fake-married."

People had cried. It had been the singular most embarrassing occasion of Russ's life, and he was not too proud to admit that his life had included a fair number of embarrassing occasions.

"So hey, after we've solved this case, you want to go somewhere for our fake honeymoon?" Milt asked. "Just the two of us."

"I'd rather get shot," Russ said, and walked away before Milt could make a scene.

He woke up the next morning and decided to feel better. Milt had had a point: it had all been fake. And Russ had had a point, too: there was still a killer to catch.

Someone had hung a banner over his desk: CONGRATS ON GETTING HITCHED.

Russ tore it down and went to work.

Milt waited until lunch to break the news. Surprisingly (not!) it wasn't good.

"Come again?" Russ asked, because even for Milt, this was screwed up.

"Trust me, nobody's more upset about this than I am," Milt said.

Russ sincerely doubted that. "We're _married_? As in: married married?"

"Look, it's just a bureaucratic slip-up," Milt said. "These things happen all the time."

Russ sincerely doubted that, too. "Great. That's just great, Milt. So now what?"

Milt shrugged. "We've still got some leads to work. So I figure we work those, and then we see."

"I meant: what are we going to do about the fact that we are now married?" Russ said. He tried to keep his voice low. He liked to think people would be sympathetic, but he wasn't Milt.

"Oh. I've already filed the annulment papers," Milt said. "Don't worry about it."

Russ did worry, of course. He worried about it for most of the night.

Milt was ridiculously good-looking, an all-around nice guy and a complete fake. Russ could not imagine anyone who deserved to be married to someone like Milt.

Being married to Milt would be pure hell. Milt probably brought people breakfast in bed, and cooked them dinner, and generally acted like the perfect housewife, and on top of that, the sex would be terrific, Milt being the over-achiever he was.

A total nightmare, in other words.

Surprise, surprise, the annulment papers required Russ's signature as well as Milt's.

"You sure your assistant's actually capable of filing these?" Russ asked, signing them with a sense of immense satisfaction.

Milt looked hurt. "Xarlene's an extremely capable young woman."

"Sorry," Russ said, "her name is Xarlene?"

"With an X," Milt said.

"Right," Russ said. He told himself it really wasn't any of his business how people chose to spell their names. "But hey, I'm sure she's busy doing - whatever it is she does. So why don't I take care of these, eh?"

Milt shrugged. "If that's what you want, sure."

Russ put the papers in the top drawer of his desk before he left and then he forgot all about them until the next morning when he and Milt went for a ride to talk to one of their suspect's girlfriend's cousin's step-sister - or something like that.

"I realized this morning that I owe you an apology," Milt said.

Russ decided he did not like the sound of that. "An apology? For what? Being a pain in the ass?"

"Russ," Milt said. "I hope you realize by now that you are important to me. If these past few days I have done or said anything to make you doubt that, I am deeply sorry. This whole marriage thing - if I'd thought for a moment that it would turn out ... the way it did turn out, I would have gone about it differently."

Russ could picture it: a nice dinner, a nice restaurant, and Milt, getting down on one knee. There'd probably be a small orchestra - or a string quartet, maybe. People would applaud.

"Yeah, but see," he said, "I don't feel the same. To be honest, I don't care."

"I know you have trouble talking about your feelings. It's understandable," Milt said.

"My feelings are, I don't like you," Russ said.

Russ considered taking the papers that night, but it was late and this thing with Milt - well, it wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't important. So what if according to the law, they were married now?

It didn't mean there was someone waiting for him when he got home, or someone to talk about the idiot detectives on TV, or someone to suggest they call it a night and go to bed early.

"Russ?" Milt sounded like he'd been asleep. Given the time, Russ supposed he might have been.

"Hey," he said.

"Everything all right?" Great. Now Milt sounded worried, like he had any right to.

"Look," Russ said, "I just wanted to say, you were wrong. Us being married, it doesn't bother me. Know why? Because it doesn't mean squat. You and me - our relationship's not going to be defined by some stupid document. It's going to be defined by you and me."

"You haven't filed the annulment papers," Milt said. "And the reason for that is, you think doing so will hurt my feelings. That's - I'm genuinely touched, Russ."

"I forgot, that's all," Russ said.

"Well, you're not wrong," Milt said. "I can admit that. See? You're a good detective, Russ. You notice things. You're good at reading people."

"Whatever," Russ said. "What I actually called you for, I think I have an idea about our case."

They were for celebratory drinks, after. Russ had wanted to refuse, but then he'd told himself to get over it: he wasn't afraid of Milt, or of hanging out with Milt, let alone of getting drunk and maybe telling Milt something he hadn't meant to tell Milt.

"We make a pretty good team, huh?" Milt said.

"I guess," Russ said. He didn't think he'd needed Milt and his tech toys to solve this one. He did think there were a lot of people who were looking at Milt as if they were imagining taking him home.

"Imagine how good the sex would be," Milt said.

Russ choked on his beer.

Russ filed the annulment papers the next morning. He felt pretty good about it, until he remembered Milt talking about how Russ hadn't done it earlier because he knew it would hurt Milt's feelings.

"Someone's looking chipper this morning," Font said, when Russ sat down behind his desk, ready for another day of grueling paperwork.

"I went for drinks with Milt the other day," Russ said, before he quite realized how that sounded. "We're getting an annulment," he added, to clarify.

"The stuff of romance," Font said. "Good for you."

Russ didn't think annulments were romantic, but he didn't feel like arguing the point. Besides, Milt had sent him an e-mail inviting him for dinner.

"Now, look," Milt said, "I realize we got off on the wrong foot. But that's no reason to give up."

Russ decided that the food was very good and that Milt making a speech, rather than actual conversation meant he should keep on enjoying it.

"If anything, I think it's a reason to _not_ give up," Milt went on. "In spite of our differences, we work well together. We're a good team, and I have come to greatly respect and value you both as a partner and as a friend."

Russ swallowed. He had a sudden sneaking suspicion there was a string quartet hidden under a table somewhere.

Milt getting down on one knee and pulling a small box from one of his pockets didn't help.

"Russell Agnew, will you marry me?"


End file.
